8 Real Phrases That Shut Down and Repel Narcissists
Dealing with a narcissist can sometimes feel like tiptoeing through a minefield, never quite knowing what might set off an explosion. It’s like you’re walking on eggshells, unsure of what to say or do to avoid triggering their volatile reactions.
That’s why it’s crucial to equip yourself with the right tools and language to navigate interactions with them.
Let’s explore eight phrases tailored to defuse narcissistic tendencies. These aren’t just empty words; they’re strategic responses honed from common encounters with narcissists.
Think of them as verbal shields that can hopefully deflect their toxicity and give you some breathing room. Armed with these phrases, you can establish firm boundaries to safeguard your well-being and keep them at bay.
What Not to Say to a Narcissist
Before we delve into effective strategies, let’s first highlight some phrases commonly touted as tools to “shut down” a narcissist:
– “We both have the right to our own opinions.”
– “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
– “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me.”
– “I can accept how you feel.”
Sound familiar? These are often recommended in articles as ways to handle high-conflict individuals. However, with narcissists, they tend to backfire. Instead of disarming them, these phrases might come across as laughable or even provoke them further.
Narcissists aren’t wired to respond to diplomatic or civil language. So, when you use these phrases, it can make you seem out of touch or weak in their eyes.
There’s a small exception, though, if you’re in a monitored setting like a courtroom. In those situations, these phrases might be perceived as diplomatic. Otherwise, they’re likely to evoke little more than a suppressed chuckle from the narcissist.
Now that we know what doesn’t work, let’s explore eight genuine phrases that effectively disarm narcissists, prompting them to retreat and recalibrate.
1. “We need to talk.”
This signal can trigger alarm in any relationship, but for a narcissist, it’s a clear indication that confrontation is imminent. Whether you’ve uncovered a lie, betrayal, or failed promise such as unpaid bills or a lack of effort in securing employment, this phrase serves as a powerful tool to disarm them.
For narcissists, this phrase signifies the need for damage control. They must scramble to cover their tracks and maintain their sources of supply. However, if the situation proves too complex or challenging to navigate, they may opt to abandon you rather than confront the consequences of their actions.
2. “I’m going to need your help with the bills.”
Narcissists have a knack for weaving elaborate tales of hardship to pull at your heartstrings and loosen your purse strings, especially when they find themselves in financial straits like job loss. But it’s essential to recognize that their financial woes aren’t merely a stroke of bad luck; they stem from deeper issues ingrained in their personality.
This is the type of narcissist I call The Moocher. This type of narcissist, even if they manage to snag a college degree, finds it rendered worthless over time. Their erratic job history and penchant for quitting at the drop of a hat sabotage any chance of stability in their chosen field.
Their struggle to hold down a job isn’t due to external circumstances alone; it’s fundamentally rooted in their inability to tolerate authority. For them, any form of constructive criticism is perceived as a personal affront.
Consequently, they shirk responsibility not only in the workplace but also at home, neglecting financial obligations and household duties. Thus, discussions about sharing bills or contributing financially are met with swift resistance and avoidance.
3. “I have a problem and I need your help with it.”
Narcissists aren’t wired to offer genuine help; their primary focus is on taking, exploiting, and manipulating others for their own benefit. If you reach out to them for assistance, don’t expect much beyond a superficial, insincere response. They may offer a clichéd platitude, but don’t anticipate any genuine emotional investment in helping you.
Assisting others requires empathy and energy, resources that narcissists prefer to channel into their own schemes and manipulations. Shifting gears to genuinely aid someone else is typically beyond their capacity.
4. “My doctor gave me some disturbing news.”
When faced with news of a health crisis, many narcissists opt for a swift exit. They’re not the type to stick around and offer support during tough times.
Yet, there’s a sinister subset among them who might linger, not out of genuine concern, but rather with the hope that your illness will prove fatal. For them, your misfortune presents an opportunity to plot and scheme, eyeing potential gains from your eventual inheritance.
Drawing from my experience working closely with abuse survivors in my coaching practice, as well as personal encounters, it’s evident that narcissists are unlikely to offer genuine assistance in times of need.
Therefore, sharing such distressing medical news can effectively disarm and repel them, exposing their true intentions.
5. “I’m letting my ailing mother or father move in with us.”
Narcissists thrive on being the focal point of attention. So, when you mention that your sick parent will be moving in, it sends a clear signal that your availability for their constant catering is limited—you have other pressing priorities.
This realization may trigger the narcissist’s understanding that their desires won’t be fulfilled, prompting them to seek alternative sources of attention and possibly move on.
There’s a notable exception to this scenario: if the narcissist perceives that your ailing parent’s passing is imminent, they may start scheming and plotting to exploit the situation for financial gain.
However, given that this isn’t the most common scenario, the average narcissist won’t react positively to a new arrangement that diverts attention away from them.
6. “My savings are almost gone.”
Discussing financial responsibility often repels many narcissists. However, there’s a subset among them who wield their wealth as a tool for control and manipulation.
On the other end of the spectrum, some narcissists sustain themselves by exploiting and pilfering from others. When confronted with this phrase, it sends a clear message: their usual avenue for financial gain is blocked.
They’ll need to seek out another target for their manipulative tactics and exploitation.
7. “Let’s go on vacation together.”
To a narcissist, the concept of vacation is synonymous with commitment, something they instinctively recoil from. They’re simply not wired for it, as it detracts from their primary focus: grooming their other sources of supply.
During the initial love-bombing phase of a new relationship, a narcissist might temporarily embrace the idea of a vacation, putting on a facade of happiness and making efforts to ensure it’s a memorable experience.
However, once this honeymoon period ends, they’ll swiftly revert to their indifferent nature, likely discarding you without a second thought.
8. “You’re going to be a father.”
Narcissists are hardly suited for parenthood; the idea of caring for a child is typically far from their desires.
However, if you find yourself with a child in the company of a narcissist, brace yourself for the likelihood that they’ll subject your child to a life rife with trauma.
Narcissistic parents often invest significant effort into grooming and gaslighting their children, laying the groundwork for future manipulation. As these children grow older, they may be coerced into turning against the other parent.
Even when narcissists appear to be model parents, it’s merely a facade crafted through manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological conditioning, concealing the detrimental impact they have on their children’s lives.
Moving Forward
These eight phrases are effective in real conversations precisely because they reflect the genuine challenges narcissists face in upholding their facade. When you employ these phrases, you not only disarm them but also repel or repulse them.
By using these disarming phrases, you’re signaling to narcissists that you won’t continue providing them with what they seek, ultimately driving them away.
Narcissists are constantly strategizing to maintain their sources of supply, and if they realize they won’t receive it from you any longer, they’ll likely seek it elsewhere.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that narcissists often come crawling back. Therefore, while these phrases may initially push them away, it’s essential to establish firm boundaries to keep them out of your life for good.
Talking to a narcissist isn’t enough; action is necessary. Pair these phrases with concrete steps to effectively remove them from your life permanently.
How Do You Stop The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse?
Once you’ve identified key patterns indicative of narcissistic behavior, the next step is to take action to break the cycle in your life.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to educate yourself about narcissistic patterns. Understanding these dynamics empowers you to recognize them when they arise, enabling you to respond effectively.
Resist the urge to simply “move on” without addressing the underlying issues. Take the time to develop a strong radar for detecting narcissistic traits. Reflect on your triggers and consider whether you identify with any of the reasons mentioned above.
This self-awareness is invaluable for moving forward.
Dedicate time to introspection and self-reflection. Identify areas where you can improve and develop strategies to address those pain points.
Whether it’s setting boundaries, seeking support from trusted individuals, or practicing self-care, taking proactive steps is essential for breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic behavior in your life.