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10 Ways Sex With a Narcissist Makes You Feel Used

At first, being intimate with a narcissist can feel like an irresistible high. You’re drawn to each other, spending endless hours in bed, exploring each other’s bodies with passion and excitement.

But over time, that initial thrill fades away. What was once exhilarating turns into feelings of annoyance, resentment, and even fear. You find yourself wondering why you’re not enjoying sex as much as before.

While it’s normal for relationships to have ups and downs, being with a narcissist often leads to disappointment and dissatisfaction in the bedroom. No matter how thrilling it seemed at first, the eventual letdown can be incredibly tough to handle. Here are ten reasons why this happens.

1. They Sexually Abuse You

One of the most devastating outcomes of sex with a narcissist is sexual abuse. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines sexual abuse as any unwanted sexual activity forced upon someone through threats, manipulation, or the inability to give clear consent.

With narcissists, this abuse can take many forms, such as:

– Insisting you don’t love them if you refuse sex.

– Threatening to ruin your reputation or break up with you if you don’t comply.

– Guilt-tripping you into sex to avoid their discomfort or “blue balls.”

– Encouraging you to drink heavily to lower your inhibitions.

– Flattering or guilting you into sex because they “need” to feel connected.

Remember, sexual abuse is never your fault, and it’s never acceptable. Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect, and sexual abuse shatters these foundations, severely affecting your physical and emotional well-being.

2. Their Selfish Focus in Bed

In the beginning, the narcissist might shower you with attention in bed, making you feel like the center of their universe. They seem to understand your desires intuitively and fulfill them in ways that feel magical. It’s an intoxicating experience, almost as if they’ve unlocked a new level of pleasure for you. 

But this intense focus is often part of their love-bombing strategy, a tactic used to ensnare you into their toxic web. As time goes on, their true nature surfaces. Sex becomes a one-sided affair where your needs and desires are sidelined.

The narcissist is no longer interested in your pleasure; they’re only concerned with their own gratification. They might still go through the motions to keep you from leaving, but the passion and genuine connection you once felt disappear.

You’re left feeling neglected, as if your body is just a tool for their pleasure.

3. They Withhold Sex

Narcissists thrive on unpredictability, and they use sex as a tool to keep you off balance. One week, you might have an abundance of passionate sex, and the next, they might completely withdraw, even reacting harshly when you try to initiate intimacy.

Why do they do this?

Withholding sex is a malicious tactic to devalue you and maintain control. They know it will make you doubt your reality and feel insecure, which keeps them in a position of power.

Sometimes, they might offer vague reasons for their lack of interest, such as:

– “I just haven’t been in the mood lately.”

– “I have a lot on my mind.”

– “We have tons of sex. Why are you being so pushy?”

– “I just need some space.”

– “I need to think about things.”

These cryptic responses are designed to make you feel like you did something wrong, even when you haven’t. This uncertainty keeps you trying to read their mind and striving to meet their ever-changing expectations, knowing deep down that nothing you do will ever be enough.

4. Craving Constant Approval

At first glance, a narcissist can seem incredibly self-assured. They exude confidence and charm, especially in the bedroom. However, this façade masks a deep-seated insecurity.

Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and rely on external validation to prop up their self-worth. Sex becomes a crucial source of this validation.

You might notice them fishing for compliments, constantly asking how well they performed or how attractive they look. At first, this can seem like a desire to please you, but over time, it becomes clear that their need for approval is insatiable.

No matter how much you reassure them, they always need more. Worse, they often use your feedback not to improve the intimacy between you but to gauge how they measure up against potential new partners.

This relentless quest for validation makes you feel used and unimportant, as if your role is merely to boost their ego.

5. They Won’t Commit

You might keep having sex with a narcissist, hoping it will lead to a deeper commitment. They might make promises about a future together, hinting at a relationship or marriage. But in reality, nothing changes.

Narcissists are masters at saying what you want to hear to get what they want. They might drop hints about commitment to keep you hooked, but these promises lack substance. They’ll do things on their terms, and if they aren’t ready to commit, they won’t, regardless of what they say.

Meanwhile, they’ll continue to enjoy the benefits of a sexual relationship without giving you the security you crave.

6. Viewing Sex as a Game

For many people, sex is an intimate act that deepens emotional bonds and fosters a sense of closeness. It’s a way to connect with someone on a profound level. But for a narcissist, sex is just another game to win. 

In their eyes, you are a means to an end—a pawn in their pursuit of power, control, and self-affirmation. They approach sex with the mindset of conquest, aiming to dominate and prove their superiority. This attitude strips away any possibility of genuine intimacy.

Instead of feeling loved and cherished, you feel like an object, a prize they’ve won. This game-playing mentality leaves you feeling empty and disconnected, as the narcissist’s primary goal is to inflate their ego, not to build a meaningful relationship.

7. Sex Feels Like a Massive Chore

You might find yourself just going through the motions during sex with a narcissist, more out of a sense of obligation than desire. You want to avoid conflict or keep the peace, but this leaves you feeling frustrated and resentful. Sex becomes another chore on your to-do list, devoid of joy or passion.

While it’s normal for sexual excitement to ebb and flow, it shouldn’t feel like a burdensome task. If it does, there are deeper issues in the relationship that need addressing.

Unfortunately, discussing your feelings with a narcissist often backfires. They don’t take criticism well and will likely turn the blame back on you, making you feel like you’re always the problem.

8. Non-Committal Attitude

You might believe your partner is as committed to the relationship as you are. They might even profess their love and loyalty with convincing sincerity. However, many narcissists view monogamy as an optional constraint.

Their need for admiration and attention drives them to seek out new partners, regardless of the promises they’ve made to you.

Infidelity is common, driven by their desire for variety and constant validation. They may engage in “monkey branching,” a tactic where they keep you as a safety net while they explore other potential partners.

This strategy ensures they always have a backup plan, making it easy for them to leave you when a more appealing opportunity arises. Despite any assurances of commitment, their actions reveal a starkly different reality.

You’re left feeling betrayed and insecure, constantly questioning the authenticity of their affection and the stability of your relationship.

9. You Know You’re Being Compared to Porn

Many narcissists have a significant porn addiction and often blur the lines between fantasy and reality. They might expect you to emulate the energy, appearance, and performance of porn stars.

This unrealistic comparison can be incredibly hurtful. Competing with the fabricated narratives and exaggerated depictions of sex in porn is virtually impossible.

Signs that a narcissist might be viewing excessive porn include:

– Sudden interest in different types of sex without explanation.

– Difficulty in getting or maintaining an erection.

– Decreased interest in having sex with you.

– Lack of genuine connection during sex.

– Increased frequency of masturbation.

Despite often downplaying or lying about their porn consumption, their behavior gives them away, leaving you feeling inadequate and disconnected.

10. They Will Shame Your Desires and Preferences

Have you ever shared a fantasy or secret desire with your narcissistic partner, perhaps after they encouraged you to open up? If so, how did they respond once you made yourself vulnerable?

A typical narcissist might react by:

– Laughing at you or calling you silly.

– Calling you dirty, slutty, or another derogatory term for having that desire.

– Turning it into a criticism of themselves (e.g., “So, having sex with me isn’t good enough on its own?”).

– Indulging your desire but then expecting constant gratitude for it.

– Gaslighting you into thinking you’re selfish for having needs.

These responses are designed to make you feel small and unworthy. Even if you later express reluctance about engaging in these preferences, they will use your honesty against you to manipulate your feelings and keep the focus on their needs.

Will Sex With A Narcissist Get Better?

The short answer: no.

The long answer: No.

Sex with a narcissist inevitably devolves into a selfish power struggle. It becomes a tool for control, manipulation, and abuse, rather than a mutually fulfilling act of intimacy.

Narcissists lack the capacity for genuine love and deep connection, even if it feels that way in the beginning. Over time, the relationship will drain your spirit, making you feel increasingly isolated and disillusioned.

If you’re experiencing or have experienced intimate or sexual abuse from a narcissist, it likely feels like you’re sleeping next to a stranger. The deep connection you once felt has vanished, replaced by a sense of alienation and discontent.

This shift is why relationships with narcissists are often described as “soul rape”—the profound sense of violation and the loss of self that occurs.

Ultimately, sex with a narcissist will never be truly fulfilling or healthy. It’s crucial to recognize this reality and seek support to heal and rebuild your sense of self-worth and well-being.